Something's going to happen. What exactly we cannot say on this episode of
Refined 90s in a condos
White guy
Holy fuck, I am loud as shit. Oh my lord. Oh Jesus. Alright there it is. That sounds pretty good.
That's rat.
Rat is full. No I'm still pretty loud. You are. You know I get rowdy Brendan. I know.
Especially this time of night. Yeah, tell me about it. I am literally right now telling you. Wink wink nudge nudge. All about it.
What are you, what am I drinking? I don't know yet. You have whiskey right? Would you like some? I left it upstairs.
There's also wine. I'll drink. I'll drink whatever you decide to give me. Does not matter to me. What would you like?
Whatever you decide to give me, bleh bleh bleh. I do not say bleh bleh bleh.
Here. Good night guys. Good night. Love you.
Welcome to another episode of Refined 90s Cinema where we're totally recording. Totally blazing for 20 bros.
He's lying, he's not blazing. No, not at all. Holy shit, your mic was so loud though. It was cause I was doing a different sound.
We're watching an interesting movie tonight. We've become Kevin Smith and we just get high on podcasts.
That's just what we do before we talk every time. We're watching Anaconda tonight. The 1997, I guess you could call it a horror film. Brendan's never seen it.
I was looking at a list the other day of the 20 worst movies from the 90s based on ratings and stuff and this was one of them.
But I think it's hilarious cause it was my dad's favorite movie when I was growing up. Really?
He just loves this movie for whatever reason. I've actually seen it quite a few times cause every time it was on satellite he'd put it on for us to watch.
It's basically about a giant snake. Are we going to read this? Do you want to read this to the podcast?
Tales of Monstrous. Man-eating Anacondas have been recounted for centuries by tribes people of the Amazon Basin, some of whom are said to worship these giant snakes.
Anacondas are among the most ferocious and enormous creatures on earth, growing in certain cases as long as 40 feet.
Unique among snakes. They are not satisfied after eating a victim. They will regurgitate their prey in order to kill and eat again.
Dun dun dun. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum.
I'm just going to quickly...
Kind of whiskey is that?
It is Wolfhead Cinnamon.
That's super fucking good.
Oh you like it? You can have the rest cause I hate it. I think it's disgusting.
Is that why you gave it to me? You gave me your shitty whiskey?
Well no, it's good. It's just...
It's not for everyone and I...
I was like surprised me and he was like, I'm gonna surprise you all right with the shitty whiskey.
It's good. It's just not everyone's taste.
That's so funny.
It's very sweet.
Well I mean it helps that I'm not really a whiskey drinker in the first place.
It's very much that.
I don't see both bars moving on the thing. Am I still being recorded?
Yes.
I just wanted to double check cause...
This is our last in-person studio 3.0 podcast for...
Well right, but I'm back in September in a few months so we'll be able to do another one.
True. Cool.
Bum bum bum bum bum.
More stuff for me to cut out.
Alright we are watching 1997's...
And a condom.
This is episode 50 of...
Refined.
90's...
Cinema.
Yeah!
I need to be poppin' and lockin'.
Poppin' and lockin'. Doesn't that mean like load a gun?
I don't really fucking know obviously.
Pretty sure it's what it means.
It means hip hop dance.
It means do hip hop dance.
Yeah.
Just dance a little bit.
So basically we're watching a movie about an enormous snake that eats people.
Yeah.
But it was from the 90's so 90% of the movie doesn't even have the snake in it.
I'm pretty sure.
But...
It's just an hour and a half of waiting for the snake.
Yeah.
Also this is one of JLo's first movies I believe.
Oh.
So.
Alright.
Anyway onward.
Onward my friend.
What are you breathin' out about?
I'm gettin' my self ready for the terror of Columbia Pictures presents.
Yeah you had said that this film was ridiculous and not very well regarded.
Yeah it's not great but you know what?
It'll be nostalgic for me and it'll be funny for you so it should be a good time.
Yeah there she is.
Nope is.
That was the first name on screen Jennifer Lopez.
That's funny.
Ice Cube.
Oh yeah this was back in the era where like Ice Cube was in all the horror movies.
Is he the one in Law & Order or is that Ice T?
No Ice Cube is the one that plays in that movie where he like babysits kids or something
and like drives them around in the fuckin' like chrome rimmed SUV and shit.
Remember that?
Owen Wilson.
Owen Wilson is in this movie?
What?
I don't remember that.
I should have a drinking game right and every time Owen Wilson says wow we drink.
I read an article the other day and it was talking about the amount of words that Owen Wilson has said in movies
and that he's roughly made about $132,000 for saying the word wow in all of his movies.
You got a friend in me.
Burning.
So we're looking at this swampy.
Yeah it's like a swamp or like a river or something.
Oh yeah I think the opening scene is gonna be like a typical.
And a very sweaty young Danny Trao.
Yeah it is.
This is before he was even really well known though like for Django and all that stuff.
Um but yeah Ice Cube did you ever see Deep Blue Sea?
Yeah uh no.
It's a shark movie from the 90s we could watch that too.
But like Ice Cube's in that movie too and he makes a joke about the black dude always dying first
but I don't think he dies first in this movie I don't remember.
Look how young he looks.
I know he almost doesn't even look like himself.
No.
Like Trao you said his name is?
Traio.
Traio okay.
He plays Rosa's dad in Brooklyn Nine Nights.
Yup sure does.
What the hell?
Slow-mo boards breaking.
His anaconda does want some.
Although we don't know that's what it is yet.
Even if you don't got buns huh?
What was that shot?
He missed completely.
He's shooting you with a pistol.
Climbing like a mast.
Well he also missed.
He hit the stairs.
What the fuck was he shooting at?
Is he like in a boat?
On a boat?
Yeah he's on a river in a boat.
Oh yeah this is a chip typical 90s horror thing where they're not going to show us the fucking what's killing him.
Does he shoot himself?
Yeah I knew it.
Cause why would you get to see?
Why else would you go to the movie?
The Ario Jungle in Brazil.
Deep in the Amazon.
I'd be getting her Amazon if you know it.
Is that JLo?
I think so.
She looks so young.
I'd look at her rainforest.
I'm going to cut this cause it's very young.
Where are you going to cut this?
This is the jokes we make Brendon.
This is unfiltered goodness.
It's on my dick.
It's nostalgia unscripted.
It's our tagline over there.
Is it her?
Oh no I can't hear what they're saying very well.
There we go look at that.
I like how her apartment feels culturally insensitive.
Apartment, hut, we're not exactly sure what it is.
Yeah it is her.
He's risen her up Brendon.
He's the Rizzler.
Micaela, Micaela.
Micaela 1.
It's the name of the fucking boat.
It's like in the Amazon.
I knew it was in the Amazon.
And JLo is...
What's with the fucking toothpick Ice Cube?
Yeah that's Ice Cube.
But Ice T is the one in law and order.
Oh okay.
Pretty sure.
Easy to mix them up you know.
It's like debating on the right direction down the river to go.
This dude looks like fucking Tarzan.
Look at him.
She's some sort of film director, filmmaker.
I guess yeah she's like a...
Oh maybe she's like a journalist here to document like people that have been going missing.
He's like the rich weirdo.
Oh they're fucking filming a movie dude.
It's Mr. Wilson.
Yeah O.W.
He's like damn you look like a low budget ass Jacuzzo.
I like that they have like Disney Jungle Cruise style music going as they take off.
It's like Free Willy.
They're going on a boat trip while they're doing a documentary on a tribe in the area.
A tribe of trouser snakes.
Very large trouser snakes.
We are voyaging through refined 90s cinema.
In front of you you see a young Owen Wilson with bleach blonde hair.
Attempting to riz up the production manager.
With his wiener.
With his own anaconda if you will.
That's a subplot.
I mean honestly she's pretty gorgeous.
I'd try to riz her up too if I were Owen Wilson.
She'd sit down next to me and I'd go wow.
What the hell?
That guy seems evil.
Oh this motherfucker.
I remember this guy.
It's been a while since I've seen this movie but I remember this motherfucker.
You know you saw Lost, right?
Yeah.
You know John Locke from Lost?
Yeah.
This guy's like the equivalent of John Locke.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's like the old weirdo that like listen to the music Brendan.
Bada bada bada bada bada.
Bada bada bada.
Something's going to happen.
What exactly we cannot say on this episode of.
Refined 90s.
Anacondas.
J-Lo.
O-W.
O-J-Lo-W.
He just looks like such a douche.
Owen Wilson?
Yeah.
He's got the boogershells.
Look at how baggy his fucking shirt is.
And his stupid shirt.
His shirt says goodbye mate.
I want to hear a douche bag old guy so.
Does Ice Cube do a rap at some point?
Yeah he raps about snakes.
He's like oh, snakes.
He's like check out my snake girl.
That's right.
Shake him snake.
He's like girl you on my angel you on my darling.
Check out my snake.
He's like gutting a fish.
Five whiskies his breast breakfast on the river.
They're all drinking wine so.
He just called her a baby bird.
He's creepy.
He's very creepy.
Of course the fucking production manager chick is dancing around.
The love interest as everyone else is trying to sleep.
She just thinks it's appropriate to dance.
J-Lo's not wearing a bra Brendan.
Watch yourself.
Look at those ice cutters.
I know.
Better watch out Ice Cube.
Oh man.
Already.
This is ridiculous.
I know.
We are 12 minutes in.
What's even more ridiculous is it's not a very long movie so things happen very fast.
Just instinct in nature baby.
He's about to instinct her nature.
Clearly they have some love story going on from before the movie.
Oh I think we downloaded the wrong movie Brendan.
Oh shit we can see the snake already.
God damn.
It's a big ol' slithery guy.
Is that a fucking panther?
It's some kind of it.
Yeah.
This is introducing us to the snake.
It's gonna murder this panther.
Black Panther.
What is this scene?
What the fuck.
Alright.
Dude I didn't know Stephen King's sleep walkers was crossed over in this movie.
Is that a toy truck?
This guy sucks at golf.
Clearly.
But like the nets two feet in front of him.
I know.
That's racist.
What the music that he's listening to?
What else is this guy playing?
This like pompous fucking.
This guy like with the hat on.
Not Ice Cube.
That's this guy.
He plays in something else.
His voice sounds really familiar.
Oh it's getting foggy or Brendan.
Some shit's gonna go down.
We already saw the Anaconda, Yuta Black Panther, like the Raptors in Jurassic Park.
I feel like that looks really fake.
Do you feel like they like...
Yes.
Like a 3D rendition of that or something?
Well probably not in 97 but...
There was 3D shit in 97.
Star Wars had these shit.
Traveled through the land of the Shirashama.
Doesn't he look like Christopher Walken?
He kind of does.
But in this movie he's Christopher Tawkin.
He won't shut the fuck in.
I know.
Like maybe people were just no good at subtext and metaphor in the 90s.
You know what's sad though is there's movies that come out nowadays that are like worse than this shit.
Like don't tell us at all what's gonna happen but tell us everything with no exposition.
Yeah they debate over which way to go.
Clearly the dude that's like fucking lived on this river knows what's up.
I know I don't know.
Christopher Walken's doppelganger starts interrupting the shoot by saying he's...
Christopher Tawkin.
Christopher Tawkin steps in front of the camera, pisses everyone off.
They're just gonna push him overboard tonight.
Think about how expensive film was back then too.
He wasted like a hundred dollars just now walking in front of that shit.
They could just record over it.
No for sure.
I don't know man.
This was the 90s.
Yeah parabolic microphone.
Oh dude, Owen Wilson's gonna die for fucking sure.
I hope so.
What is his face?
It's like a weird lip thing.
Better sleep with one eye open.
He says to himself.
He's just laying there.
I'm here without you baby.
Is he smoking a dupe?
The one smoking in movies, is it a dupe?
I'm pretty sure it's a dupe dude.
He should have been in dude where it's my car.
This is the prequel.
What does mine say?
Dude.
What does mine say?
Sweet.
Shibby.
Who dubs about to shibby?
Oh shit, Owen Wilson's gonna get some fucking action.
Look at this shit.
In the Amazon before Jeff Bezos got there.
I forget the feeling that hot chicks gonna die.
One of them has to be gravely injured or die.
Oh fuck.
Christopher talking is Christopher shooting.
We had like a sniper rifle.
Where the fuck did he even get that thing from?
It was just out of nowhere.
He has it.
That's why he was sleeping in the hammock with his fucking sniper.
Did he bag it?
Fucking killed whatever was chasing him.
That is the fakest fucking taxidermy ass borer I've ever seen.
Borer fail.
Owen Wilson.
From now on, no one goes wandering at night.
I feel bad for Owen Wilson, dude.
Oh, W didn't get any.
He was close though.
He was pretty close.
He was copping a feel and the bore fucking ruined the moment.
Do you think they eat the borer and then they all go crazy?
Cause Borer fail.
Dude, the music in this movie is horrendous.
Look at that.
Look at that disc man.
He's fucking shaving while he looks through binoculars.
What the hell is that?
Very odd.
I once saw a guy shaving in the Tim Morden's drive through.
Really?
With an electric razor.
Just like, yeah, straight up.
What a fucking weirdo.
Potato.
He did it.
God damn ropes.
Cut the rope.
He's even doing the voice.
River can kill you.
I thought I was on waves.
Like a very good thing.
They have a trained scuba diver on board who can just fix.
He's going to go under there with a knife and cut the rope loose.
Like a big man.
Dude, that guy's got a tooth pick in his mouth constantly.
The cube.
Just call him ice pick instead.
Ice tooth.
She brushes teeth.
Have you heard, excuse me, Mr. Cube, have you heard of flossing?
I forget what fucking happens here.
Something bad happens here to this guy.
He's going to die.
Oh my God.
He's so creepy.
Christopher talking, just creeping JLo while she puts some drugs right on.
The camera pans down.
He's just like.
Oh, something's got him.
We don't see exactly what or at all what.
He's going to die.
He was like holding his throat.
Gary, now they're all just in the water, jumping around, frolicking.
What the fuck?
I forget what happened to him.
We don't know.
I watched weird fucking Christopher talking found in the wilderness guy.
It's going to know exactly what to do.
He's also a medical.
There's something in his mouth.
What the fuck?
Like a scorpion.
Wasp.
What the fuck?
Oh, he's going to trick him with a pen with the ink still in it.
Cause that's smart.
See, we have whiskey too.
Dude, you just stabbed a pen right into his throat.
Just, just let me die.
Yeah.
Like don't stab me in the throat.
Yes.
I don't want to have a paper mate.
I'm in heaven with like.
For an esophagus.
Yeah.
I'm in heaven with JLo.
Did you say I don't want to have a paper mate as an esophagus?
Took you a second.
I was trying to like process and speak at the same time.
I wasn't working.
Oh man.
Christopher talking suggests they just throw him overboard.
Just throw him in the river.
He can be bait.
He can be bait and all masturbate.
And then he can have JLo all to himself.
He just wants to go hunt the anaconda.
That's why he's out here, dude.
He's a snake trapper.
Remember?
He wants to hunt the anaconda.
Cube.
He doesn't know.
Battle of the wits.
Or a battle of the picks because he likes to have a toothpick in his mouth.
He ate a lot of corn on the cob, which is weird because they're in the Amazon.
Why doesn't he have the trach in his throat anymore?
He's like, why am I eating all this caramel corn?
Dude, you can't just like take the trach out two seconds later and pretty sure he'd be
dead.
Pretty sure snake hunter knows what he's talking about.
He's also a geographer and MD.
Dude, I'm pretty positive.
I don't know if we need to like ask a nurse or something, but if you take someone with
a fucking pen, you probably should stay in until they go to the hospital, don't you
think?
I have no idea.
I'm going to look it up.
Brando.
Drake pen.
Prognosis.
Drake pen prognosis.
He's going to blow a hole in the wall with dynamite, Brandon.
Christopher talking.
He's got some shit going on.
Let's ask Korra.com if you can perform a tracheostomy with a ballpoint pen.
I think you can.
I'm pretty sure it's possible, but I don't think that you can take the pen out after like
the same day and it'd be fine.
You could do it the way right training, but it's bloody messy and painful and it would
only work for a little while until a proper trait could be placed.
See, until a proper trait could be placed, they can't take it out.
The guy's dead.
He wouldn't just still be alive.
You could easily do a lot more harm than good if you go blundering in someone's neck
with a knife blade.
So everything he did in this movie was fucking horribly wrong.
Awesome.
Love it.
Oh dude, check it out.
It's going to blow.
Oh, they're just trying to get through.
Yeah, they're blowing a hole in the dam that was created there.
Why didn't they just back up?
Yeah.
Why didn't they back up the whole fucking boat?
Weirdos.
Now there's a bunch of snakes and shit on the boat and...
I wonder if it was a real snake.
I don't think so.
Snake hunter guys being a bitch.
Now he's Christopher Lyon.
Christopher Fibon.
They lost all their fuel.
They have a bunch of leaves on their boat and snakes.
Wouldn't that fuel just be fucking floating in the water though?
Wouldn't they have like a tank?
Like I feel like they wouldn't have rolled and sank too deep.
They're clearly all idiots.
They're in a damn river.
It's not like it's like the deepest shit ever.
Ice cubes being supportive.
Also, why is he wearing a football jersey?
They're on a boat in the middle of the Amazon.
He likes football, man.
JLo's getting a little bit...
Suspicione.
She thinks that the dude, we forget his name.
Christopher talking is a little bit sus.
Yeah, this is among us back in the 90s.
Yeah, sus.
Bunch of strangers on a boat, fucking hunting snakes.
So that's from Amogus.
Amogus?
It's pretty fun if you have the right group.
It's like, do you ever play Secret Hitler?
No.
Do you ever play Resistance?
No.
It's just a social deception game based on those ones.
Okay.
Like, so two truths and a lie.
Sort of.
What about Werewolf?
You ever play Werewolf?
Nope.
Oh my lord.
What am I supposed to do with you, Brendan?
Give me a toothpick.
I could give you a toothpick.
He's always got a new gun, this guy.
Yeah, it's had like four different ones already.
Oh, it's the same gun.
It's just got a scope.
Come with me.
Dude, this fucking guy, the dude that doesn't speak English is dead for sure.
I feel like he's transitioned between like a German accent to like a Dutch to now he's doing some sort of Mexican.
Yeah, the dude is, the dude's very strange.
But I feel like he just brought the non-English speaking dude along.
No, he speaks English.
This guy right here?
Yeah, that guy with the weird eyes.
I thought he didn't speak English.
Mateo, I thought he did.
No, because he was talking to them at the beginning.
I think he's 100% dead right here probably.
They can't kill Chris for talking yet because he's a big part of the plot.
They can't kill Ice Cube because he would be racist if he died first.
He's got a little ponytail, which he's basically responsible for bringing back that haircut, that undercut with the ponytail.
A man bun?
Yeah, that.
I was like, what's it called?
He's got a man bun.
The cube just brings the camera to film the dude because he has nothing better to do.
Man, he sure had a lot of batteries for that thing.
Yeah, no fucking kidding.
It was the 90s.
It lasted like 30 seconds.
How fucking big that thing is, too.
Is that crazy?
Now we have that technology and like a tiny little thing in our pocket.
4K, 60 frames a second.
They're finding some snake hunter.
Oh, bro.
The Mateo guy knows him.
He knows Christopher talking and they were with the other dude that died in the beginning.
He just pulled down a fucking newspaper article with them all on it so no one else would know.
He's like, you think so?
I made a career of looking almost like Christopher Walken.
But he doesn't talk like this.
I want to suck your blood.
Oh no, they're in some hut or something.
They're not on the boat.
That was their snake hunting hut.
But is he acting like it's not his?
Yeah, he doesn't want them to know that he knew the other guys.
That's terrible lighting for a documentary.
Horrible.
That camera would pick up absolutely fucking nothing.
Yeah, see, this is the beginning.
That's the beginning.
That's the boat.
There's a hut from the beginning where the guy got fucking murdered.
I think it is a boat, baby.
What an idiot.
Abominos.
Mateo's about to get eaten.
100% they left him behind.
See, he speaks English.
Yeah.
A shot from the water.
He just fell off the boat because he's a clumsy bitch.
It's like I'm taking a bath.
Whoa, it got him.
That is the worst CG.
The snake?
Oh my God.
Oh, see you later, Mateo.
The snake got him.
That doesn't look too bad.
No.
Up close, but when it's like moving.
Yeah, it looks really weird when it's moving.
Looks very odd.
Cube is just looking for Mateo.
What do you think he gets?
Slithered?
I don't remember.
I don't know if he's going to get slithered.
I guess it depends if he's in the slither and house.
Gryffindor.
Hufflepuff.
This is only two years before the first Harry Potter.
I know.
Isn't that wild?
Yeah.
It's such a long time.
Do you remember where you were at when you first watched Harry Potter?
Yeah.
In the movie theater.
You went and saw it in theaters.
Yeah.
I saw it at a friend's house.
I thought it was excellent, but I'd already read the first three books at that point.
Dude, that background is so green screened.
Anaconda skin.
People eat snakes.
Dude, this shit is so green screened.
Look at the background right now.
Or was it just like shitty upscaled?
Maybe it was.
Anacondas or water boas are a group of large snakes found in tropical South America.
Boa Linnaeus.
We have to make sure that he's dead.
We all need to be eaten by a snake.
I went from zero to 100 so fast, Brendan.
He was like hitting golf balls a second ago and he's like, where do you think I went?
He's dead.
They are nocturnal.
Spend most of their lives in or around water.
They reach high speeds.
They strike and coil around the body of their prey until it has suffocated the prey.
They fear on fish, birds, reptiles, deer, jaguars, among other prey.
So part of this was actually pretty accurate then, eating the fucking panther or the jaguar.
Like going around its body first.
Yeah.
Males often find the same female.
This results in odd clusters referred to as breeding balls in which up to 12 males wrap around the same female and attempt to copulate.
The groups stay in this position for two to four weeks.
I'm pretty sure I've seen that video on Pornhub.
It's like a slow motion wrestling match between the whale, between the males, each one fighting for the opportunity to mate.
Letters consist of 20 to 40 offspring, although as many as 100 may be produced.
20 to 40 offspring.
Oh shit.
Brendan, the folder popped up.
Brendan.
Mateo.
He also, Christopher Tawkin was fucking getting some drugs in his syringe.
There is, actually?
Yeah.
We've identified evidence of this species consuming humans.
Until now.
This is probably because large specimens in a bit remote areas deep inside the Amazon, which is isolated from humans.
Unlike the python in Asia, this movie is for sequels.
Yeah, it doesn't surprise me.
Movies like this had all kinds of sequels back then.
Is that a bird?
You just shot a monkey and now he's going to use it as bait to try and catch this fucking big ass snake.
Serone.
Christopher Tawkin's name is Serone.
We've got an update.
We know his name now.
I'm pretty sure that's the first time they've even mentioned his name, Brendan.
No, they said it, but I mean, he was busy talking, so.
That's fair.
They don't know shit, Paul.
Watch this shit.
Some shit's about to go down.
He's Chris fucking Owen Wilson's monologuing, bro.
Dude, even the camera angles, you know something's about to happen.
So he's like, let's keep going.
Let's continue with some, let's change our documentary.
Christopher Tawkin shoots cube in the butt, in the arm.
Oh, is Owen Wilson working with him the whole time?
Probably not the whole time, but I think he chatted with him last night and he's going to fucking be on his side now.
Cube's like, fuck, where's my toothpick?
I need my toothpick to fight these guys.
Think about how I will defend myself.
I'm not at my full power level without my dick.
Fucking Westridge.
Odubs is guarding with the sniper, with the scope rifle.
It's like the one gun they have, though, like honestly.
Dude, just offer him some puss.
He'll drop the sniper rifle.
Some poo nanner.
She's got a tear in her eye.
She's looking at his pukeshells.
She's like, man.
She's like, Odubs, how could you do this to me?
Remember surfing in Calibra?
She looked at him and she was like, wow.
Oh, fuck.
Ice Cube's like, I'm going to go buy myself so many toothpicks after that.
But they're not even filming.
Yeah.
Why isn't Ice Cube fucking on the camera, bro?
Let's go, Cube.
Oh, worked.
Oh, shit.
He did catch the snake.
They're all like, what the fuck?
It's real.
They're trying to blind the snake.
Spotlight.
Yeah.
What a fucking...
As everyone's like, you're going to get us all killed.
The snake is screaming like a weird fucking monster thing.
Oh, Cube lost his fucking night.
Now he's knifeless and he's pickless.
That shot, though.
Ugh.
She's literally, the snake just spat the dead monkey at the fucking bougie ass producer guy.
Oh, fuck.
Is JLo going to die, dude?
He hit it with a tranquilizer in its mouth.
It's not a very good tranquilizer.
Oh, no.
The snake is in the water.
Going straight for Odub's foot.
Straight for Odub's and fucking...
Whatever her name is.
Producer Ho.
Oh.
Oh, it did get Odub's.
Holy fuck.
And...
Give me your hand.
It's, he's wrapped by Anaconda.
And it's just like killing him.
Give me your hand.
What are you fucking going to do?
Oh, dude.
Christopher Hawkin just said, the snake's no good to me dead.
He wants to capture it alive.
How is he supposed to do that?
I don't know.
It's a pretty big ass snake.
No.
Ridiculous.
Oh, W.
Not again.
I didn't even get the dick.
JLo's comforting.
Producer.
Slutty producer girl.
And cube is like still confused.
He's like, where the fuck's my toothpick, dude?
I thought I left it right here.
I brought a whole box.
They couldn't have walked away.
Christopher Hawkin is fucking giving a little memorial for Odub's.
There's a devil inside everyone.
He's just like trademark fucking nineties.
He's devil.
Oh, Christopher Hawkin's smacking people around now.
He's like, I'm in charge, bitches.
That's right.
Now he's Christopher Smacking.
Smacked Hawkin.
Cube is back.
He still doesn't like him, but he has to do what he says.
He's like, man, I'm a bust a cap.
I just got to find my toothpick first.
Can't do anything without my toothpick.
Oh shit.
Oh fuck.
Oh.
That was a cool scene.
Yeah.
It pans down into the water and we see Odub's body inside the snake.
It's like an outline of his face.
We are a little more than halfway through.
Why the fuck is she putting on lipstick?
She's got to look good for Christopher Hawkin.
I guess.
She's like, I'll let him hit me.
He's going to be Christopher Throbben pretty soon.
Little Desino.
It's my finish.
That's like the Winnie the Pooh porn, Christopher Throbben.
Oh, Bobba.
He got his head stuck in a honey tree.
Oh no.
She's going to seduce him.
With her feminine wiles.
He's like, actually, I'm gay.
He looks more like Jennifer Lohrez to me.
Mono, you mono.
He's like, actually, I'm into snakes.
He might be into snakes.
She's seducing him.
She's been Stockholm-centered and he's like, I haven't had a woman.
He's like, I'm into this.
What's her game plan here?
Oh, okay.
Seduce him and then the cube is going to, oh noice.
They triple teamed him, dude.
Hit him with the golf club in the head.
Hit him with them and then they came in and just fucking whacked his ass.
Yeah, actually, time's up for his anaconda.
Oh shit.
Oh, he's tied up.
He's tied like ready for the anaconda to strike.
Oh, they found the news article, Brennan.
They know he knew the other dudes.
The jig is up.
Oh, nice shot.
J-Lo's pissed.
She fucking clocked his ass.
Oh, dude, what if she uses him as bait?
Yeah, of course.
Try to feed him to the snake.
Then he's going to be Christopher Digestive.
Christopher getting digested.
Christopher Digestive Cookie.
But he's the cookie.
Oh, I forgot he was still there.
The Drake guy.
Drake guy's still chilling.
The boyfriend from the beginning of the movie.
He's going to wake up at the end and be like, what the fuck happened, guys?
Jesus.
We're so dubs.
Where is everyone?
He reaches in his pocket, pulls out the toothpicks.
He's like, yo, Ice, I got your picks, bro.
The Wikipedia was talking about how the sequels to this movie are supposed to be comedies.
Really?
I guess maybe the horror side of things wasn't really working.
James Cameron does this thing in his movies, and this isn't a James Cameron movie,
but he does this thing where he makes the environment a character in the movie too.
You care about the environments and you're learning about them,
and they're becoming a character for you because that's where the movie takes place.
I think it's a really brilliant way to direct a movie.
The one thing about this movie I think they did right throughout the movie so far
is you actually see the environments and there's these really cool glamour shots of it a lot.
You get to see these cool shots of the river in Brazil and all this shit,
and you're like, oh yeah, I really feel the vibes of where they're at.
I like how everyone knows how to drive a boat instinctively.
Now, all of a sudden, Ice Cube is driving the boat.
I mean, it's not that hard to drive a boat, Brendan.
I don't know.
They have like...
It's literally a throttle and a wheel.
But that's like a fancy boat.
I guess, yeah.
Oh, they got to get in the water to winch themselves loose.
And the Cube is like, I'm the boss now, bitches.
Finally, it's Mutt.
Someone get me a toothpick.
Damn it.
Time.
I'm ice cold.
He suddenly knows every fancy marine knot.
He knows he could swim perfectly.
Yeah, he's like the tech guy, so there's no fucking way he knows all this shit.
He just figured it out on the fly.
And then this fucking bitch is chilling in the cabin doing nothing
because she's whining about Odub's death.
What do you mean, lie?
Whining.
Oh, whining.
Kind of like us, I'm refined.
90s.
Cinema.
We're whining.
Oh, this movie's terrible.
She's going to try and fucking stab the dude.
He's going to be Christopher Blienen.
Maybe he's supposed to be Portuguese.
He has a kind of Portuguese thing going on.
What the fuck?
What the fuck happened?
How did he jump so high?
He jumps up and starts strangling her with his thighs.
He just fucking kills her.
And then he says like a prayer.
He literally just fucking strangled her.
He did some Mission Impossible ass shit.
Yeah.
I'm pretty sure Tom Cruise does that on a nightly basis.
I think he does a stunt that like makes it.
He's tied to a pole just like this.
And he like fucking kicks his feet in the air
and jumps up the pole and then gets off of it.
Oh, he literally killed her.
Kicks her overboard as they're tying the ropes.
But they don't know.
And he takes a knife.
He's going to cut his ropes.
Why would they leave that dumb bitch to watch this guy?
She's obviously an idiot.
Obviously emotionally unstable.
Oh fuck.
He's going to die.
He's got to.
Over here you fat ass bastard.
Shit.
That's the best line in the whole movie.
The amount of instant regret in his voice.
As Christopher Tarkin's cutting his rope.
He's Christopher Cutten.
Oh my God.
That fake ass punch sound.
Did you hear that?
It was like the stock punch.
Like the royalty free punch sound.
Like the well armed scream of punches.
Hey, there it was again.
Sounds like a fucking 80s fighting game.
Oh fuck.
The snake is chasing buddy up the waterfall.
Whoa.
Fucking grabbed his ass midair and fucked him up.
Oh no.
The tree fell on their fucking boat.
As Drake is waking up.
Now Cuban J. Lo are in the water.
Oh no.
He's in the water without a toothpick.
What the fuck is he supposed to do, Brandon?
I don't think he knows.
He's got no toothpick.
He's got no tunes.
He's fucked.
He's got no camera.
And what happened to Christopher Tarkin?
I don't know.
He jumped off the boat into the water like.
And then there were three.
Imagine how painful that shit would be getting squeezed from.
Like I'm just feeling all your bones breaking shit.
The snake is wrapping itself around him.
Oh shit.
J. Lo's fighting.
She's trying to save Ice Cube.
Oh, she hit it.
What the hell?
Oh fuck.
She shot it a couple of times.
In the head.
It sunk in cubes.
Good.
And Tarkin is attacking her.
This is ridiculous.
You killed my snake.
Damn it.
This is what fucking Mr. Chris is saying.
Dude, Drake.
Oh, he hit him with some sort of.
Weapon.
Of mass destruction.
The snake's going to get him now.
Oh, they hit him with a tranquilizer dart.
He like squeezed Drake's neck right after he got stabbed though.
So now Drake's all fucked up again.
J. Lo's very concerned.
Ice Cube somehow is still alive.
Coming back from almost being strangled to death.
They're like stranded in the middle.
Well, yeah, they have no gas.
Their boat was half crushed by a tree.
Yeah, they're in rough shape, man.
And they happen upon a broken hut.
A broken hut where they're going to have a final showdown.
Probably because there's no way the fucking snake's dead.
Because the movie's still going on.
For another 17 minutes.
How long is this movie in total?
An hour and a half.
Hour 30.
Hour 25 with credits.
They find guns.
They find.
They got some fuel.
What do you think they find?
I don't remember, man.
It's been a long time.
Hillary Clinton's emails.
They find Hillary Clinton's sex tape in here.
Yeah.
She hid it in a random shitty hut in the middle of the Amazon.
Yeah.
I don't know about you,
but I'd be like pissing my fucking pants at this point,
walking around in these places.
All my friends are dead,
although they're just coworkers,
so maybe I didn't care that much.
Well, also, if there's like one giant snake,
who's to say there's not another one?
You know what I mean?
Also, they didn't even fucking kill the guy.
That's like mistake number one in any movie like this.
You got to kill the fucking douchebag or else he's obviously going to escape
and whoop your ass.
They found a snake skin.
It's probably fucking dude's house.
Christopher living in the Amazon?
Oh, shit.
He did escape.
Yeah.
And he was there and he fucking melee attacked.
Remember in Halo,
you're just like punch him with your gun.
That would have been an insta-kill in Halo though.
Yeah.
He got him from behind.
Title of his sex tape.
Oh, he tied him up, dude.
What the fuck is he doing?
Bro, he's got like a bucket of blood.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
Use them as bait.
That's some juicy blood.
Do we ever find out why he wants to capture an Anaconda so badly?
Because he thinks they're cool.
He wants to be like Tiger King, but Anaconda King.
Oh, fuck.
The snake's coming, Brandon.
Oh, my Lord.
Holy shit.
It's another one.
Yeah, that's why I was just going to say it's different.
They did a better job with the special effects.
On the second one?
Like on this one.
Yeah, it looks good.
I don't know why this movie got fucking so much hate actually
because some of the shit looks really nice.
Because it's terrible.
It is terrible, but like look how good the special effects look.
It's crazy.
Oh, shit.
Oh, so he wants to trap a snake.
He wants to capture it alive for some crazy fucking weird ass reason.
Oh, shit.
Oh, buddy's dead for sure.
He just got attacked by the snake.
Christopher getting eaten.
Christopher bitten.
There you go.
Christopher bitten.
It's giving him a hug, Alex.
It loves him.
It's a good ass hug.
Holy shit.
Oh, man.
Look at that shot.
Whoa, dude.
It was a shot from like inside the snake's mouth.
And it like showed its throat all opening up and shit.
What do you think that prop was?
I don't know.
A giant urethra.
There's a lot of JLo butt shots in this movie, Brendon.
Has cubes trying to hit it with an axe?
He's trying to axe in a question.
Like, hey, why are you chasing JLo snake?
Why did you hit my toothpicks?
Where the fuck did you hide my toothpick, snake?
What the fuck was that?
How is he still alive?
He's not.
That was so dumb.
You winked at her.
The snake pukes up Christopher talking and he winks at her
before he falls dead to the ground.
Come on, fuck on.
That was so dumb.
Whoa, that's terrifying.
So fast that thing was in there.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
The snake's going to get her.
Oh, they're going to burn it alive.
Can you what?
He's going to blow that snake up.
Blow him up with what?
Oh, shit.
She's trapped with the snake.
She did it.
She barely even tapped the thing and it opened up.
She's suddenly an excellent rock climber with perfect upper body strength.
How did he also make it out?
He just set the bottom shouting up at her a few seconds ago.
Holy shit.
That was like the whole bunch of the movie right there, that one scene.
Look at this shit.
This is fucking insane.
That's nicer than CGI nowadays.
It's just like one of those rubber snakes, like the bath toy snakes,
but they set it on fire and fucking fill in the shit.
Like the snakes on a plane.
Yeah.
There's no way it's dead, right?
Oh, there's fuel.
Come on.
It busted through the fucking dock.
Oh, shit.
Ice cubes.
He didn't do it with the axe.
This motherfucker stole my damn toothpicks.
Time for me to steal his life.
Bitch.
Get fucked, bitch.
You're pretty sus, bruh.
Nobody's stealing my motherfucking toothpicks.
Ain't nobody stealing my boombox.
Oh, fucking Drake Man still kicking.
Drake Man's still alive, bro.
He's chilling.
How the fuck is he talking?
That shit's so...
Dude, you can't talk.
You got Drake yesterday.
Literally, everyone else died.
Dude, I'm surprised three of them are still alive.
Oh, look.
They found the tribe after all.
So that makes everything okay?
Of course.
Everyone else's lives didn't matter.
They get to finish the movie.
Documentary.
Damn.
You think these motherfuckers have toothpicks?
Yeah, but their documentaries can be like five minutes long.
And that, my friends, was the incredible story of Christopher Tawkin and Ice Toothpick Cube.
Motherfucker.
That was terrible.
It was a really bad movie.
It was not.
Don't watch it.
No.
Unless you want to...
Look up all the snake scenes online so you can see some cool CGI.
Terry.
Good lord.
What'd you think, Brendan?
I mean, let's quickly look up some reviews.
Some absolutely terrible reviews.
Some one star, some half a star reviews.
Everyone's favorite movie review site, Rotten Tomatoes.
Rotten Tomatoes.
What is this?
Do I search?
Yeah, where is...
Did they like change the fucking website?
Where is this fucking search box?
Just type in on the search bar at the top, Anaconda Run Tomatoes.
There you go.
40% and a 24% audience score.
Oh, baby.
Oh, man.
That's pretty rough.
Yeah.
He looks ridiculously similar.
So Christopher Tawkin?
Yeah.
Like, look.
His name's John Voight.
Ladies and gentlemen, go look his ass up.
He looks just like him.
Like, look at that.
Holy shit.
They're still like the same dude.
Look at him.
Very similar face and shapes.
They could have been playing each other for years and you wouldn't...
Yeah, they do look incredibly similar.
It's wild.
Like, to the point where they could be each other's stunt doubles and...
Yeah.
Like, he is Angelina Jolie's father.
Is he really?
Apparently.
Wild.
No relation.
Well...
Some people like it.
Some people hate it, Brendan.
Most people...
Scary.
This movie isn't.
Yet somehow, Anaconda racks up a winning score and body count.
What was his body count?
Like, four?
Five, four, five.
There's like five actors in this whole fucking movie, dude.
Like...
Great B movie.
I would agree.
It's a C.
It's such a great B movie that it's a C.
Jaws for the 90s.
Marty Mabies.
I was disappointed.
It was boring or bad.
Jokes on you guys.
It was both.
All right.
I'm falling asleep.
Yeah, it's pretty late, man.
And we have to get up early and send you home.
Yeah, I gotta travel tomorrow.
I'm falling asleep too.
I'm fucking old, bro.
I'm so tired.
What the hell's wrong with me?
Thanks for listening to another episode of Refined.
Toothpick.
Cinema.
Episode 50.
With Brendan.
And Alex.
Watch out for Anacondas.
Yeah, don't go in the Amazon.
Never.
I mean, it's probably not even real.
Anacondas is a real snake, though.
Yeah, but...
They just don't actually eat people.
Who knows?
Or do they...
Bye, everybody.
Don't watch this movie.
Zoolander.
Who is?
John Voight.
I'm pretty sure he's done a lot of stuff.
I've seen him a lot of times.
He's Larry Zoolander.
That's hilarious.
Oh.
Yup.
Thanks for listening.
Love you all.
Good night.