I went.
I can tell.
If I had a nickel for every time a girl said that to me.
That's what she said.
Oh, baby.
Hey, listen, what happens in the recording studio stays in the recording studio, okay?
Just saying.
Except that this podcast goes out to the internet.
Yeah, but it didn't happen out in the internet.
We'll put it out there after the recording studio.
I smacked my entire desk.
Love to hear it.
I should not have swallowed in front of my microphone.
Listen, Brandon, some people swallow, some people spit, some people do other things.
It's fine.
Remember?
Remember that time in our lives when that was like a big question?
When it was like super hilarious?
Yeah.
You would ask people.
If they spit or swallow and then when they said what they did or they like questioned
it, you'd be like, ah.
Loser.
We were not nice people.
No, we were not.
No one was in our generation when we were growing up though.
We were all a bunch of shitheads.
It was like fun to be rude.
I was making my drink for the podcast downstairs because I made a purple haze for myself, but
like a sipping one so I don't have any like sprite or anything in it.
I just did like the two shots of rum and the shot of blue curacao and then some grenadine
and like a bit of water.
And I was like, Steph was like, man, I wish I could drink even a fraction of that without
being fucking hammered.
And I was like, well, you know what?
You don't know the half of what I used to drink.
I was hanging out with friends.
Oh man.
We did some wild shit back like at the high school slash after high school parties.
I did not party a lot.
No, not really.
You came out like downtown with us a lot.
Yeah, but that wasn't like we were of age.
Well, yeah, we were like 18 or 19.
Like we weren't that old yet.
We were basically still kids at this point.
I look at those at that age of person as like even like 20 to 25.
Yeah.
You're very child.
Are you are you drinking anything cider?
I did.
I made a vodka and soda water, but I added orange, lime and lemon juice like a little bit
and a dash of hot sauce.
I thought you were going to say like a little bitch.
Like a little bitch.
You said like a little bit.
A little bit.
And it's actually it's like a light sprite.
Like it's really good.
That sounds awesome.
Yeah.
Can you hear all the crushed ice?
Yeah.
Wait, can you hear my ice?
Yep.
That's damn good ice there, buddy.
Ice ice, baby.
But this is our first episode with our new theme song.
That's pretty sweet.
You did a good job on that by the way.
I'm really proud for everyone to hear it.
I hope they enjoyed it.
I typed the lyrics.
The AI did the rest.
I know, but like AI is awesome because it is so good.
I was fucking jamming when I was listening to it.
Me too.
I've been putting it in the car every morning.
We need to like make a whole album, a refined 90s album.
Of AI songs.
Refined 90s AI music tour stuff.
You, Zach.
Well, do you want to talk about what movie we're watching?
Sure.
We are watching Space Truckers from 1997.
Six actually.
Rot Tomato says seven, but the file says six.
I was going to say the file you gave me says six.
You lied to me.
Let me see if I can find any other references to when it came out.
It was not well liked.
IMDB says 96.
All right.
So I would trust IMDB more, I think.
IMDB stands for I am doubles.
Okay.
Okay, my buddy.
Let's start this shit.
Let's start this poopsicle.
Poopsicle.
I already love it.
I love everything about it.
Already this music.
I'm just like, yep.
What in the fuck?
It's like very clearly super old CGI.
Like they just learned how to use 3D animation programs.
It's like the Kessel Run.
Oh yeah.
You know what the Kessel Run is, right?
From Star Wars.
Yeah.
That's what this shit is though.
It's so similar.
All right.
We're basically just watching Star Wars.
Kind of reminds me of like Starship Troopers.
Yeah, but on like a moon.
Starship Troopers is awesome, by the way.
If that's a 90s movie, we should watch that because that would be fun.
Is it?
I think we talked about this before.
I don't think it is.
Well, is it earlier than 90s then?
Because it's not later than 90s.
It might be like 2000.
Giggity.
It went in the hole.
Yeah.
Look at those.
It's like Dr. Evil outfits.
Already I know.
Like we're going to love this movie.
This is like Wish Star Wars meets Austin Powers.
Hey, Brandon.
They're in the cockpit.
His glasses are shaped like two round orbs.
I love these insanely way too close up shots of these characters' faces.
Look how close it is on them.
It's like up the guy's nose.
Yeah.
Very, very intense.
Oh my God.
You can always tell when a movie is lower budget because you get a lot of this obscure backgrounds.
The set clearly isn't an actual finished set.
They're trying to make do with what they have.
Yeah.
They in the cockpit shots are just a dude sitting in a fucking storage locker.
He's going down.
He's going down swinging, dude.
Swinging that dick.
All 30 of them.
Yeah.
That's what the symbol on the door signifies.
It looks like that doctor.
What's that called?
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Oh, like the nurses thing.
The snake with the...
Yeah.
I forget what it's called, but it's like the Association of Nurses symbol or whatever, the health care symbol.
It's like a AI robot.
Oh my God.
It fucking zapped them, dude.
Look at that thing.
It's melting bodies.
Wow.
Oh, these guys were in charge of it?
What the fuck?
Inside job?
It was just a test.
They killed all those people on purpose.
Makes sense.
What the fuck?
Oh, they were just like testing the robot.
They're going to try and take over the world, dude.
Like Pinky and the Brain.
One is a genius.
The other's insane.
Pinky and the Brain.
The Pinky.
The Pinky and the...
Brain, brain, brain, brain, brain.
That was a great show.
We should try and find some of the band episodes of Looney Tunes from the 90s so we can do that.
This guy's glasses are way too round and they're too small for his face.
Oh, he's going to kill him too.
Call that...
Destroy.
Look at that thing, man.
He just has to go get close to it so it can't zap him.
It's like the easiest fucking robot to avoid in the world, man.
Oh, is this where the truckers are going to come in?
Like there's a can floating with the fucking...
But like it's so blurry and like jittery.
It's horrendous.
Look at this.
Oh, man.
If I could get this as a patch, I would put it on my shirt.
Like the symbol behind the title looked like Star Trek, kind of.
It had like the triangle.
What the fuck?
Is that like a road in space?
I think it's supposed to be like a landing or a takeoff.
Dude, it's clearly just the same lantern copy pasted a bunch of times.
It's literally like Photoshop, copy, control C, control V, square pics, pics for a square.
Wow, he squirts the mustard into the fucking air and it floats because they're in space
and then he raises a hot dog into it.
Oh, my God.
It's terrible.
Yeah, that was really bad.
It's like space billboards, but they're clearly like...
It's terrible.
Liquid beef.
Is that the dude that plays Fred Flintstone?
No, that's John Goodman, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Okay, this is even...
It literally looks like a Christmas tree floating in space.
Yeah, like they're doing all these weird shots of stuff.
Docking complete.
Look at this shit.
He's in a fucking like roller coaster chair.
And look at the like grandpa seat cushion.
It's literally like tinfoil fucking boots and shit.
I guarantee you like you made those himself.
He went to like home hardware and he's like, what can I find for $10?
I mean, some of the techniques they're using are kind of clever.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
There's square pigs.
With feeding tubes in them so they don't die.
Which is similar.
It's like an animatronic.
That's terrifying.
Oh, it looks like the Oscar Mayer logo.
You got it?
He looks like...
Did you see his tie?
It's a bunch of square pigs.
Oh, my God.
It's like they're basically so fat that they turned into squares because they're in tiny cages.
Also, the dude that's playing the space trucker guy, I don't know the actor's name,
but he played the villain in Speed, the Keanu Reeves movie.
You're upsetting my pigs, he says.
Whoa, that is so bad.
I kind of love it.
I have to be honest.
He like spit up some blood after he got punched and it was like a bunch.
It was basically like a screen saver, you know, the screen saver with the fucking balls that bounce around.
That's what it looked like.
The Hub Diner, our first musical number of the...
Yeehaw!
It's all like country and shit.
I feel like they just took like a UFO convention and shoved it in space.
Basically.
Like there's an episode of The Outer Limits with Colin Mochrie had a UFO convention and it feels just like this.
It feels like they're at a normal diner, but they like skewed the look of it.
So it looks like it's bending in like a big circle.
It's weird as hell.
But also like you wouldn't want to feel like you were sitting in a big circle.
Yeah.
Wouldn't that be like bad for your inner ear and like your stability?
I mean, I'm sure there's a lot of things that are bad for that shit in space.
Oh, the setting is $21.97 by the way.
Oh, okay, cool.
This is kind of cool the way they did this.
Like the diner looks pretty sweet.
And honestly, I like the costumes.
Yeah, they're pretty sweet.
They're clearly just like shit they bought at party stores, but...
He tried to eat the other dude's food.
He like cut off his ball cap or something.
He like riveted it back together.
Yeah, it's really weird.
It's like he chopped it off and then...
John.
His name is John.
He wants that puss.
They may be getting hitched.
She wants to go to Earth and he's like, if you marry me, I'll bring you to Earth.
And then I will leave you there.
He's going to put her in like a cellar.
Fucking throw lotion at her and be like, it puts the lotion on its skin.
I'm getting a little bit of vertigo from watching these weird fucking camera rotations and shit.
I had to like divert my eyes for a second.
I know, like they're just moving the camera around all the time.
They're not following the 180 rule.
They're not following any rules, Brendan.
That guy looks like true value Eddie Murphy.
He kind of does.
He's the no name brand.
Some piece of garbage wrapped in human skin is trying to jack my load.
Some piece of garbage.
He's like, man, my load's never been jacked before.
The rookie.
He does look familiar though.
Oh, he's going to find someone else to truck the square bags.
Your pink probationary coveralls.
I do love the outfits. They're amazing.
Yeah, they're very interesting to say the least.
He's wearing a pink jumpsuit with a pink vest with a double helix on it.
How would you describe this fashion?
I don't know what they get out of the trash.
Ironically, the main character guy looks the most normal out of everybody.
Pretty sure you're not supposed to smoke in spaceships.
100% you're not.
Wow, this movie has had a lot of posters.
A lot of posters for the movie when it came out.
Like a lot of releases for some reason.
Maybe they wanted to give it a lot of publicity because they needed to sell tickets for the first screening.
Oh, that's the boss guy.
The whole premise of this movie is they didn't pay him for the job so he didn't want to give them their load.
And now they're beating the shit out of him and giving it to someone else.
Why is there fucking Christmas music playing?
It's like the theme to...
Like Homeward Bound or some shit.
Yeah.
Oh, he's getting sucked out of the space station.
Also, wouldn't they be dead?
His fat ass.
It's covering up the hole.
Oh, no.
It's sucking his butt out the hole.
Oh, my God.
It's amazing.
We can't accurately explain this movie.
We'll just have to watch it.
Yeah, you have to watch this.
It's ridiculous.
Here come the stormtroopers.
They go in the women's lavatory.
What the fuck?
She's a robot.
It's like a secret way out of the space station.
Yeah, it was like a fake robot lady pooping on the toilet.
That's terrifying.
Kind of makes me want to hollow out a human to put a phone keypad with a secret passageway inside.
You can do that for the door to our recording studio, Brendan.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm sure Michelle would have no problem with that whatsoever.
Someone sitting on the toilet screaming constantly.
It's occupied.
Get out.
Look at her glasses.
I think this chick was one of the girlfriends in biodome.
This person's name is Mr. Zesty, Brendan.
I've heard it all.
Mr. Zesty.
They're transporting sex dolls.
So they're taking an illegal shipment.
An illegal shipment of sex dolls.
To Earth.
Yeah.
Because sex dolls are illegal on Earth.
Apparently.
In 2197, his outfit makes him look like he should be in a Europop band.
The diner waitress's bag opens up and there's just a bunch of lingerie.
I think we lost Alex.
We didn't lose me.
I don't know what to say about what's happening right now.
They're literally getting on a fucking roller coaster, Brendan.
They get in the fucking driver's seat of the truck and they make the fucking gas expelling
sounds and the fucking things come down.
This is the weirdest.
This is totally like straight out of Star Wars or...
The Lego movie.
Yeah, coming out of the dock.
Oh yeah, he scrapes the thing.
It's like a super long scraping sound.
Uh oh.
I've never seen trailers like this before.
And by trailers, I mean...
Dicks.
Is it just me or does this chick that's playing the main chick in this movie have a really weird face?
She's like John Travolta about the woman version.
I would agree.
Like Juanita Travolta.
Live with your fear.
Live with the fear.
Live with it.
Look at the fucking space police.
I love this space police car.
He looks like a fucking Power Ranger, the guy driving it.
They got questions.
Female Travolta and guy who kind of looks like Ernest.
Oh my god.
Oh no, he's leaving the fucking space truck lane.
Oh, he took out some of those lights.
They actually animated them to make it look like the lights were going in and out.
They rotated them.
Good for them.
To be fair though, this looks very much like Star Wars animation for the space scenes.
Some of the best driving he's ever seen.
Look at this.
Literally looks like the dash out of like a fucking car from Knight Rider.
It looks awful.
Oh my god.
Looks like they took a bunch of cars, stripped them down and then just like duct taped it all as quickly as they could.
They have the things to hold them up when they're sleeping too.
Like the fucking roller coaster.
They're eating toothpaste food, essentially.
Saliva activated cappuccino and eggs.
That's gross.
Also, why would you put those two things together?
You never had a cappuccino in the morning?
Yeah, but like I'm not going to mix it with my eggs.
That's a good point.
Yeah, you have a good point.
I actually do this thing on Monday.
I made a cappuccino, put it in some sparkling water and made like a sparkling coffee.
What the fuck, Brandon?
You're just talking about how you wouldn't even mix it with eggs.
No, sparkling water.
Just sparkling water coffee.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
It was like ice coffee and it was pretty good.
It would be super cool to like try space food together.
It would be.
I don't think I've ever had the space food before.
There's a company that sells the ice cream and it's supposed to be really good.
Like the space ice cream?
I can get it in the US.
Dude, how much is it though? It's probably expensive as hell.
Well, let's see.
Six pouches for 30 bucks.
Really? And it's like the space ice cream?
That's what it says.
Dude, we should do that.
Three year shelf life.
They also have bananas.
They have food, apples, strawberries, bananas.
They got hit by some Black Rock.
Their internal coolant system is shutting down.
Also, I feel like they missed a very valuable opportunity here, Brandon,
when they were eating the like cappuccino mix with their eggs, breakfast thing,
to call it a cappuccino.
Really? You're not even going to laugh at that? It was so good.
And I was just staring at the screen.
Did you like pause it or something?
No, I was literally trying to focus on what they were saying.
Oh, okay.
I just said they missed a valuable opportunity to call it a cappuccino
because it's cappuccino and eggs.
Magnetic boots.
Remember that episode of Arthur where he gets the moon boots?
Oh, that was great.
I wanted those so bad when I was a kid.
Dude, his fucking spacesuit looks like it's like rusted and going to fall apart.
It's like a hand-me-down spacesuit.
He's like, it was my older brother's.
He just like went out in space without a tether.
The Pact, the Pachyderm is the name of the ship.
My grandpa 100% had one of those beaded seat covers in his burgundy red interior dynasty.
That's hilarious. Do it.
They're going to bang.
But isn't he dating, she's dating the older man?
I think she's supposed to be.
Now there's like fucking romantic music playing.
I'm going to end our call. I need a few minutes to myself here.
Yeah, I need to go hit the bathroom really quick, Brandon.
What is happening?
He's just taking his pants off now.
I like how you know that costume department just took some shoelaces and like glued it to his pants.
I applaud the costume department from this movie, honestly.
They had some fun. He's like, oh, you can't get back in. Sorry.
They're going to make out. Yeah, baby.
When they stink, like there's no shower.
I know, right? This fucking music is killing me, Brandon.
He opens the door. He's like, can I join?
Oh, they're banging. They're going to bang Brandon.
She was like, I'm engaged.
He was like, that's bullshit. And then fucking stuck his tongue down her throat.
Why is there guns coming out of the side of the ship?
I don't know, man. He's like trying to fix an issue and there's fucking security system.
That was totally like Good Burger explosion.
It totally was. Yeah. Welcome to Good Truckers, home of the Good Truckers.
So you know this whole Nickelodeon thing where like it's come out that some of the producers and people were like abusing the child stars?
Yeah. What was it called? Like Quiet On Set or something like that?
Yeah. Michelle wants to watch it.
And I don't know if Keenan and Cal have come out and said anything.
Why would he be putting his boots on before his pants?
Yeah, I don't know, man.
Oh, now the fucking trucker guy's all mad.
He suspects them of doing stuff behind his back.
Oh, they're fighting over her. What is this tattoo? Like the Earth or something?
I don't know, man. It's really ugly, though.
Whatever's in there. It ain't no sex dolls. So they have no air conditioning.
Oh, they don't have air conditioning and they're trying to like solve the problem.
But there's guns on the ship. They keep shooting at them if they try to fix it.
The whole movie is going to take place on this one set.
Brought a cooler with something in it. Oh, beer. Suck a zuck.
That's what the beer is called, I guess.
Is this The Father of Zuckerberg?
You gotta love it when you can just suck a zuck, you know what I mean?
They call me suck a zuck.
Have you ever just wanted to suck a zuck?
Nope. I don't want to do anything to a zuck. He is not an attractive man.
Dude, what am I even looking at right now?
It's the bad guys. It's all black.
Well, I realize that, but it's like weird as fuck the way that it's...
The animation on this shit is so bad.
It's the Punisher symbol. No, it's not. It's like a skull and crossroads.
I actually think they're using the same background as like Star Wars space scenes, though, to be honest.
It's not moving. It's just a painting.
Yeah, it's like a default background.
Like a mat. Oh, it's like a space cruise ship.
These are the Jackers, he says. It was Jack.
You're lucky you're not wearing those company pajamas.
Everyone wants these fucking space truckers.
He doesn't even have a gun, but if I was a space trucker, I'd have so many space guns.
Yeah, man. I'd have laser guns.
Pew pew! Pew pew!
I'd have a lightsaber, too.
I'd have like some nerf guns so we can have fun nerf fights on the ship.
I love how this whole movie is about how she wants to get to Earth.
Yes.
What the fuck are these? What is this, like, Braveheart?
I know, they look like fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger and Predator.
Jesus Christ.
What is this? He's got like a Doctor Octopus thing on his chest.
He's like a bad...
This movie's 45 minutes in and I don't know what the fuck is happening.
Why not put their clothes back on?
This movie is nonsense. It's been 50 minutes and I'm just getting further and further into my brain rot at this point.
This is not good.
We're watching Mad Max Fury Space Truck Road right now.
That guy kind of looks like an Australian John McAfee.
He has like a cattle prod. This is not a good film.
No, but it is entertaining, at the very least.
Sure.
If that's what you want to call it.
Who the fuck is this guy?
He's like the fucking Morpheus.
He's like a space pirate, dude. He's got one leg.
The Manifest says they're carrying sextiles.
It's the dude that got roasted by the fucking robot.
Oh, the like, that guy.
Yeah, from the beginning with the weird circle glasses that were too small for his face.
He still has them on, but he replaced them with welding goggles or something.
Gross. He wiped off her sweat and smelled it.
Oh, are they carrying some sort of chemical or something?
I guess.
I feel bad. We can't release this episode.
Why?
Because it's going to be terrible.
I mean, we've watched worse movies.
This is true, I guess.
I want to know what your cargo is, Brendan.
No, thank you.
Honestly, the practical effects of his like face actually look pretty good.
All burnt up and shit.
I like this. I like this like mechanics cart.
Is he talking about my dick?
He's like trying to torture them to find out information.
And he talks about slicing off his manly process.
I wouldn't want them to slice off my manly process.
Wouldn't it be like protuberance?
I don't know, dude. This movie had like a $10 budget.
$8.
$8 US.
$10 Canadian.
And then one person went to see it and they made like $3.
So they profited.
That face makeup is terrifying.
It's actually pretty good.
Yeah. It was like a two-faced thing going on.
That was their whole budget was the face makeup.
For that one guy.
Yeah.
He worked it into his contract. How did he live?
So, yeah, I don't know because no one else lived when the robot shot them.
It's for the plot, Brendan. They kept him alive for the plot.
What plot there is.
He's also trying to bang her.
Yeah, everyone wants to bang the one girl in this movie.
He's using his robot hand to like feel her.
He's poking her nips, dude.
He's poking her boobs.
She's got to see.
Oh, she said she'll have sex with him so she can get to Earth.
She's trading her body for fucking freedom, dude.
This shit did not age well.
His claw is a handcuff as well.
He handcuffed her with his fucking robot arm.
It's not good.
Nope.
Have you ever slept in a circle bed?
I haven't. I imagine it's weird as hell though.
I have once. It is ridiculously weird.
So in other news, what do you think he sounds like while he's banging?
Like his leg squeaks when he walks.
You hear like the hydraulics go off.
Now he's getting all sexy.
He's taking his glasses off.
You can see his fucking electric brain.
He's a cyborg.
His wobbling around on his fucking shitty robotic leg is pretty sexy.
Honestly, the practical effects on his costume are pretty good.
I'm impressed.
He rebuilds everything.
He had a fucking helicopter starter on his fucking dick.
He just pulled it.
Or a lawnmower starter.
How big do you think it is?
He's like pulling the full cord.
He can't start it. He can't start his dick, dude.
Dude, that's fucking hilarious.
That's the best part of this whole movie so far.
That was so funny.
Can you imagine if that's all it took?
You had like a little pull string.
You fucking...
You have like an exhaust and like the exhaust smoke comes out.
You got to pull it like four times and then eventually it's like...
You can put it in helicopter mode to cut the lawn.
That robot is back.
Oh no, it's like a gun.
Maybe what they're transporting in the load on the truck is the robots.
You know what I mean?
That would bring it all full circle, man.
They're transporting the fucking death robots.
That guy's got like a bazooka.
Oh dude, his buddy Sam's dead.
He got roasted.
Oh man.
Shut up!
Idiot.
The writing is top notch.
It's top tier in this movie.
It is something.
I don't know if it's me.
I like how there's this big ass gag about this guy trying to get his dick working.
This is like a 15 minute gag.
I'm going to say that next time I'm in bed with Steph.
We're 100% operational, my dear.
Operational, my dear.
I love that she happened to be going to the bathroom when I said that and she heard me
and said, don't you dare from the other room.
Oh, she like disconnected him.
He's like a turtle.
She stole his glasses and his overcoat.
What, she's going to fake being him?
What the fuck?
That doesn't make any sense at all.
It doesn't even look like him.
Not even a little bit.
This is the dumbest shit ever, Brendan.
Oh, they found him.
You buffoon.
You could have been my beloved concubine.
I don't even know where to begin with that one, man.
Oh God.
Kill them in random order, he says.
The fucking lights on his head.
The lights on his brain because he's thinking.
What the fuck?
It's like a computer fucking figuring out what it's going on, processing.
What was the point of the scene of him licking the cigar, Brendan?
I don't know.
Not that there's much of a point to most of this.
Because he's creepy.
This is so fucking dumb.
It is.
It's the fucking robots, bro.
Or is it actually just sex dolls?
We'll never know.
Oh, they're like putting some sort of juice.
Gross.
Which is just like 90s Christmas tree tube lighting.
Oh, they're like unloading the sex robots, which may just be murder robots.
We're not sure.
They kind of do look like sex robots.
If it's just like a wiener.
But it's just like a torso.
Yeah, it's really weird.
State of the art disintegrators.
Oh, so they are the murder robots.
They are the murder robots.
You were right.
He's holding the weird fucking sack on the back of the robot like it's a ball sack.
Uh oh, one of the robots went missing.
They're fucked now.
Oh no.
Man, that thing is terrifying.
It is pretty scary.
Also, why does it have boobs?
I don't know.
Because the guy's a fucking huge ass pervert.
It just like vaporized the dude and all that's left is his hand.
Hands with the gun.
It's just a red button that says alarm.
Wow, the effects are so realistic in this movie, Brendan.
People's heads blowing off and stuff.
The robot knows kung fu too.
Look at it.
It's fucking kicking ass.
We're now watching a Jackie Chan movie.
Jackie Robot Chan.
I think I know the name for this episode, Brendan.
Robot Chan.
No, lawnmower cock.
What is that?
Whoa.
I don't know, bro.
Do you see that spin?
It like threw a grenade.
Dude, what the fuck?
This robot is crazy.
It knows like martial arts and shit.
Has a laser exploding thing and fucking sword arms.
Now they're making their great escape.
Run, forest.
There's just body parts floating around.
Now people are flying out into space.
This is nonsense.
And what is that, the ship?
It's exploding, yeah.
You always feel that way after a near miss.
It wears off.
I can't get over how stupid his hat looks.
He like fucking chopped the whole thing off.
It's weird.
He has to see out the front of his space ship.
What is he doing?
He's getting his space suit on, bro.
He's going to go fight the robots.
Oh yeah, I guess they're still on the ship.
That he's going to play some Galaga, apparently.
While she waits.
I like this sideways camera making it look like they're actually walking on the side thing.
The directors had some good ideas, Brendan.
I like the inside of the ship.
I think it looks cool.
Yeah, it's not bad.
Some of the stuff in the movie is pretty okay.
Their ideas were good.
They just didn't really execute a lot of shit properly, it seems.
He's got a fucking fire extinguisher now.
Cyborg guy.
He's like, pull my dick.
Pull the lever.
Pull it right now.
Lawnmower me, baby.
Let me lawnmower you.
In so many words.
How is he alive out there when they have to wear spacesuits, Brendan?
I have less than an idea.
I just had this realization that they're both in spacesuits and he's just not got one on at all and he's still alive and kicking.
Doesn't make any sense.
How do we stop these things?
How do we stop them?
It looks like a shitty TV remote.
He hands them.
He's like, this thing is how you stop the robots.
For a son of a bitch gimp rapist murderer.
You're okay.
He's pretty okay, man.
The robots are getting through.
There's more than one of them.
It worked.
He has a remote.
He accidentally presses the button again.
Shit.
It's like, I want to spice up my life a little bit.
Press the button and activate the robots for five minutes.
What if they were one of those puzzles where some of them were on and some were off, but when you press the button it reverses it and you have to try and figure out how to fucking...
Why are they stored the way that they're stored, Brendan?
Like, up.
Up with their legs open?
It's fucking weird.
Probably something to do with that's how they fit or something.
It looks like there's lots of space in there.
Can't get over these close-up shots of the characters' faces.
It's so weird.
Let's get back outside.
That's terrifying.
Put your spacesuit on.
Brendan, this movie is ridiculous.
It's just like, what?
Oh, there's one that's going rogue.
Why is she putting it on suggestively?
I know.
She was wiggling her body around.
Hurry the fuck up.
You're going to die, lady.
Also, the fact that her spacesuit fits her perfectly is fucking a joke because she wasn't even supposed to be part of the crew.
That would be terrifying.
What is between their legs?
I was just going to ask.
Squiggly.
I didn't notice before.
It's their lawnmower dicks, dude.
Yeah, it's like some sort of a squid or something.
Oh, it says, we are programmed not to destroy your means of transport.
Yeah, they're not allowed to wreck the truck, apparently.
They're smart enough to know that.
Yeah, they have like a wiener.
It's like a tentacle between their...
Oh, God.
What the fuck is that?
It looks like the thing from The Matrix.
Like, just like...
I love how this guy's fighting this fucking Super Martial Arts robot by himself right now.
With the microwave.
It would not be working.
Yeah, he like shoved it on his head, but yet it still turns on.
Oh, she like broke free of it.
Did you see the like...
Oh, God.
How have we been watching this for an hour and 15 minutes?
Dude, I don't know.
I don't even remember what happened half the time.
Two minutes ago, we were in the fucking diner.
Apparently, they're at Earth now.
We'll go with you.
No, daddy, no.
Now, the old trucker dude is taking the righteous route and letting them escape.
Oh, now he's having a moment.
He's like, it's okay.
Oh, he was jealous.
Oh, so he's going to go sacrifice himself.
I guess that's the idea, yeah.
Is he rigging C4?
I think that's what's happening.
Go on.
Get out of here.
They're trying.
Oh, man.
They're trying to get him to come back, but he's not going to.
See you later, John.
Wow, that was something, Brendan.
Oh, he put the plastic explosive.
Dude, it's like fucking Play-Doh.
It's like foam.
They made a Play-Doh foam fucking brick.
There's no weight to it.
It's just...
Your gun would not fire in space, bro.
You're in space.
Oh, he puts a tether and then he has a...
Oh, he exploded them with the plastic explosive.
But they're still alive.
The rest of them are coming, Brendan.
What the fuck?
Oh, he like vaporized them.
He saved John's life, dude.
And then they left him there.
Yeah, they like stole the escape pod afterwards and just left.
The fact that they could even drive it in the first place is outrageous.
Oh, no.
They're back.
There's just an infinite number of weird robot things, dude.
Yeah, everybody on that side of the planet's fucked.
The truck's like falling apart as it goes through the atmosphere.
Look at this.
Wow.
It's like the worst.
Oh, the rescue pod.
I sure hope they know like what state Earth is in.
Yeah, they've been in space for so long.
Watch the...
Any money, it's going to be like some stupid ending where those robots actually like rule the Earth or something.
Didn't make it.
That was such a Power Rangers explosion.
It super was, yeah.
Dude, the practical effects in Power Rangers is actually insane, though.
Like the costumes and stuff.
They're crazy how good they are.
Are you married yet?
He says.
What the fuck?
What a stupid line.
Two space truckers and a waitress have saved the Earth from an invasion.
She's visiting her mother.
Her mom's going to be a robot.
Her mother is her.
Oh, she's going to like the old guy, John.
Her mom's way more attractive than she is.
What the fuck?
Her mom got a deep freeze, so her mom's the same age as she is.
That's weird.
I get it.
Oh, damn.
I don't look freezer burned, do I?
And then the porno started.
That's a four-sub.
Bow-chicka bow-wow.
Bow-wow-wow.
Bow-bow-bow-bow.
What the fuck?
There's like a weird riot on the streets now.
The president of the world.
What?
Oh, see, the president's this guy.
I bet the world is ruled by fucking robots.
Oh, they like save the world or something?
Yeah, from the fucking evil killer robots.
Dickheadies.
He wasn't involved, Alex.
We don't have to worry about it.
Exactly.
He didn't do it.
He was just there.
He didn't do it.
I wasn't involved in the murder robots.
Don't worry about me, dude.
I didn't do it.
I didn't kill your grandma.
He's like, no problem.
They've known each other for like a day, Brendan.
And the dude's like, go get married.
You gotta take it.
Take the money.
Oh, he wants them to take the money.
Oh, dude, they whipped it out the window.
What the fuck?
Dude, just take the money.
It's gonna land like in his car.
Oh, my God.
He had a bomb in the fucking case.
They threw it out the window and it hit his car.
And then he blew himself up.
I get it now.
Dave's ex machina.
This is when I tell you my secret plan.
Oh, now they're gonna blast off into space again.
Once a space trucker, always a space trucker.
Dude, they're going back to space.
This is like the weirdest, like we did it, celebration music.
I know.
It really is like homework-bound music.
That's it.
That's the whole movie, Brendan.
Thank you, Stuart Gordon and Ted Mann.
That is an hour and a half.
For this awful story.
It's an hour and a half that I'll never get back.
It's gone forever.
I would like to say that they ended the credits with cotton-eyed Joe.
I just skipped there too.
I was gonna comment on the same thing.
Is it weird that that's the best part that I found in the entire fucking movie experience
was that they ended the credits with cotton-eyed Joe?
No one likes this movie.
I mean, some people gave it like a six out of 10, which I don't know why.
I realized there were some doubting Thomases out there, but I was one of them.
But then I saw this masterpiece of celluloid.
All I can say is this scene in which George Winn gets sucked out of a spaceship by his asshole left me trembling.
That's so good, bro.
Oh, man.
What in the actual fuck did we just watch?
That is crazy, bro.
This was not at all good.
This one-star review is called Strings Attached.
My favorite part of the movie is when he punches the guy in zero gravity,
and you can see the strings as he flips backwards into the wall.
Oh, my God, Brendan, you can.
You can see the strings as he punches him and throws him backwards.
What the fuck? Are you for real?
Go to 1203 and fucking just pause the fucking movie
and take a screenshot of that shit to put in the fucking cliff notes of this.
That is so funny.
I can't.
That's too good.
They're just like there the whole time.
They didn't even bother to get rid of him.
If you frame by frame it with the little fucking less than and greater than symbols,
you can literally just see the strings for the entire fucking flip that he does.
I can't believe I didn't notice that when we were watching the movie.
That's insane.
Oh, you can, too.
They're there for like the entire scene.
It's crazy.
They're not even gone ever.
They just left the fucking strings that are carrying him in.
Like, it's very clear.
Yeah, it's super obvious.
Anyway, if you want to get drunk and watch a stupid ass movie in space.
Honestly, I wish I had an excuse for why.
Like, I'm not drunk. I'm not anything.
I just finished mine after watching the movie
so I could try and wash away the last hour and a half.
I want to black out and forget the last hour and a half.
Yeah, he does this whole somersault and you can see it the entire time.
I'm also going to print the blood coming out of the tooth.
Oh, dude, that was super good, too.
There were a couple pretty funny, like, good moments.
Like, yeah, a couple funny pieces and the square pegs.
Terrifying.
Well, that was something.
We're sorry for this episode.
Yeah, you might enjoy it, but also you might fucking hate it.
I don't even know what to say about what we just watched.
It's crazy.
Like, at least trucks, the fucking RC truck murdered that guy.
That was awesome.
That was, like, one of the best fucking cheesy horror film scenes I've ever seen.
It was so good.
And it had the, like, side story with the daughter.
Yeah.
There was, like, the old couple that was banging at one point.
This was another episode of Refined.
Nineties.
Cinema.
Thanks for listening.
Siminimanimanima.
I'm going to pull my lawnmower string.
Murr.
You know, they were writing that and they were like, yeah, this is good shit.
This is going to be great.
Yeah, they thought it was going to be awesome.
And it's just, like, the dumbest joke ever.
It's not good.
I mean, we knew it wasn't going to be good.
I didn't think it was going to be that bad, though.
I always find it funny when you watch movies like this and they, like, they have their moments, you know?
Like, the diner was cool and they're, like, the inside of the truck was cool.
And, like, some of the stuff they did with the movie in general was pretty cool.
Some of it was fine.
Even, like, the way the weird cyborg guy's suit looked was, like, that's pretty cool.
Like, the practical effects are good.
But also, no.
It was an experience, to say the least.
It's definitely been an experience.
Let's go be space truckers, Brandon.
I'm ready.
I think Elon has the hookups for that.
He definitely does.
He's like, yeah, I'm building a thing right now to accomplish this very...
I think Elon Musk wrote this movie, to be honest.
Thanks for watching!